Foobonia and Points West.

The only reassuring part of the arc in which Deanna's return is explained to us is the sure knowledge that Mike will be a stumbling fool who makes one stupid, humiliating mistake after the next which lead to Deanna treating him like something she scraped off the soles of her shoes. Although it's not normal for six-year olds to act like this, it is normal for a boy with a crush to embarrass himself at every turn in this sort of story line. Too bad for Lynn that it doesn't distract us from the stupid and amazingly implausible reason she gave for the Sobinski's return. While it is true that sometimes one cannot unload one's old house, that isn't going to present a real stumbling block to a transfer; after all, they could easily have rented the place out. Even if the transfer itself fell through and they were forced to return to Milborough, Wilf couldn't simply get his old job back as it had been filled in his absence. Since Lynn has no idea how things work in the real world, it should have been obvious that their return would be inexplicable to those of us who live here. We can look forward to the story sinking to new depths of irrationality and lunacy as the weeks go on.

As clio_1 reminds us, the Michael we left behind to look at a distorted version of his younger self comes across as a reactionary and deeply-closeted gay man; this is, of course, because he's the avatar of a blowhard who propounds values that were obsolete in her parents' day. The question is how would this would happen in real life. The only answer I can think of is to point to the bizarre intellectual isolation that surrounded him when he grew up; as I've noted before, John hates reading anything that isn't an instruction manual because he doesn't like to have his assumptions challenged and the sort of literature Elly does like is predicated on values that are as reactionary as she is, deep down. Since his resentful nature and refusal of most other parents to let their children anywhere near the crazy woman the dentist married keeping him from having too many friends and since he, too, doesn't read for fun, he never had a chance to see that there were other ways to live beside his own. Thus, when his time came. he was ready to become a faded photostat of John Patterson.

As I've said before, there's a reason that Mike did all manner of crazy, stupid, destructive and anti-social nonsense growing up; he was trying to get Elly to acknowledge his presence by any means necessary. That's because, as we all know, she is extremely self-absorbed; thanks to the new-ruins, we're reminded that even when he was very young, she was too full of herself, too distracted by her own petty concerns, her own misaimed discontents to be bothered noticing the small one offspring that constantly tried to get her to notice the unimportant things that children do. If she were to be diverted from contemplating important things like wondering whyyyyy her life is soooooo haaaaaard and whyyyyy soooo many meeeeaaan peeeeople lie and tell her she had the world handed to her on a silver tray and is simply bitching that it wasn't made of platinum to see and acknowledge the worthless accomplishments of her children, they've successfully oppressed her. The sad thing is that the poor fool wasted his life and destroyed any chance to have a real bond with Liz and April just so he could attract the attention of someone whose opinion was absolutely God-damned worthless. We can call that self-destructive urge the Milborough syndrome.

As you know, the Michael of the new-ruins is being touted as a Delicate Genius in short pants. Instead of the sullen, destructive, pouting, hostile and dirt-ordinary little boy of the real past, we have a misunderstood savant with bundles of creative potential and a freakishly advanced vocabulary going unrecognized by his harried parents; once they discover his hidden brilliance, an age of miracle and wonders will descend upon a grateful world. Lynn's own website has given us a hint of his unrecognized genius: his love of punning names. The example that she gives is his noticing that the name Elizabeth sounds like the phrase 'lizard breath'. The real Mike, of course, was being a spiteful jerk. The new-ruin version is being whimsical and also (as howtheduck has said) possibly referring to a shameful family secret: the fact that the Patterson women have breath that would curdle milk in the cow. The way things are going, I wouldn't be shocked if Mike's spirit guide told him to call her that.

As we all know, Mike and Liz spent (and will spend) their formative years at each other’s throats while Elly wrings her hands, wonders why they can’t get along and frets about how it makes her look as a parent that they can’t. It’s sort of too bad for the two of them that they don’t realize the frantic loudmouth telling them to go to their rooms if they can’t behave is the same idiot who, without intending to or even realizing what she was doing while she was doing it, pitted them against each other in the first place. Elly, you see, is like a lot of insecure, selfish people and thinks that everyone is trying to destroy her; a part of her that she won’t acknowledge thinks that if her kids are getting along, it must be because they’re plotting her downfall. To prevent that, she unwittingly says and does things that make it impossible for them to not fight. Every time she rubs it in Mike’s face that he’s being a monster or that she ignores Liz’s accomplishments to hover over her ugly brother, she keeps the hostility flying. The really sad thing is that they aren’t aware this is happening and that it isn’t normal; this means that they too will give hate a chance and shrud off needless disharmony as being normal.

There's one thing that I've missed over the nearly nine months that the new-ruins have 'graced' the comics page: Michael referring to Lizzie as Lizardbreath. Knowing that 'filling the gaps' means 'filling said gaps with details that don't actually need to be brought to light because they were obvious', it seems to me that we're about to see why he says it in boring detail. My gut feeling tells me that it'll somehow be related to an act of idiocy on Elly's part. It seems to me that the following might take place:

1. Elly will have decided sight unseen that giving Elizabeth the nickname 'Lizzie' is too vulgar a means of referring to her and insist that everyone use her full name at all times.


2. Not realizing that he's supposed to impress people that don't care, Mike will call Lizzie what he's always called her.


3. Elly, refusing to entertain his heretical notion that it won't damage her prospects of being married to whatever douche is least likely to move away from Milboring and most likely to stay home nights if he calls her Lizzie, will insist that he give her her right name.


4. Mike will do so while, as is almost always the case, his mouth is full.


5. The muffled and distorted result will sound to Elly like the phrase "lizard breath".


6. She will unhinge her jaw and start yelling at him for calling Lizzie that awful name.


7. Lumbering Ignoramus Dad will spank him and send him to bed without supper at Elly's behest like a good little moral coward.


8. Mike, being a child, will blame the whole thing on Lizzie and start calling her what everyone expects him to anyway.


9. Lizzie will start responding by being a tattletale thus ensuring years of disharmony.


10. Neither Elly and John will ever admit that their stupidity and stubbornness made their lives worse. Elly especially won't admit that she's directly to blame for the rift her arrogance and neglect created.

It's sort of a bummer to realize the scenario I just came up with on the fly is so damned plausible but it can't be helped; the Pattersons are what they are: grumbling bunglers who don't see what they're doing and never admit to screwing up. Eventually, they'd be praised by the unobservant for illusory greatness.