dreadedcandiru2: (Royally Peeved Candiru)
The interesting thing about one of the recent strips about playground politics and how to lose at it is that Lynn explained why she did so: as a means of hammering her daughter Kate over the head with the fact that since unpleasant behaviour was never going to go away, she'd better just adjust to that fact and stop whining. While this is one of the more valuable family-unfriendly Aesops, it seems to me that Mommy's failure to sugarcoat things when it kind of counted might have been proof of the law of unintended consequences.

The reason I say that is that John and Elly are all the time running their fat yaps about how cynical and jaded and moody their teen-aged children are and how they're wasting the best years of their lives acting as if everyone is out to get them and as if the Sun were guttering out when they should be happy and grateful and have good attitudes without taking into consideration the fact that pious lectures about how everyone is out to get you and how you can only rely on yourself and can never expect thanks or recognition might be doing a number on their kids. Simply put, popping balloons for the kids' own good is going to make them angry all the time instead of putting the smiles on their souls Mommy and DADDY want....and John and Elly should have adjusted to that fact and stopped their damned whining!!!
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
As you know, most of the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing is that I don't much like how FBORFW degenerated into the mawkish celebration of self-righteousness and execrable behaviour it had become after Lynn lost interest in keeping things going. As you also know, Lynn makes a point of saying that aside from plastering their images on things to placate a fanbase she seems to wish would like her goofy looking cartoon birds instead, she is completely done with the Patterson family because, as she told Phyllis Diller, she lost interest in keeping things going but didn't quite know how to quit 'listening' to characters she seems almost to have grown to hate.

The reason I mention this is that a recently-uncovered interview about the subject has Lynn go out of her way to state how little she liked dealing with the Patterson family and their antics. What started out as an outlet had become the same sort of deadening chore Elly found running the bookstore and she might just have wanted out so badly, she was willing to destroy the characters' credibility and likability to do so. Every move that looks as if it were designed to alienate people and make them hate the Pattersons might just have been made for that specific purpose. If so, she seems to have not quite succeeded because there are still people who want to catch up with Elly and see how life is treating her. People like me. People, I think, like you....and we'll probably never do it because she'll probably make "have the Pattersons die of food poisoning" a codicil in her will because she probably hates them more than we ever will.
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
As I've said in the past, Lizzie started out hating school because she had the misfortune to be the victim of a horribly inept teacher who for reasons that were never made clear decided to single the little girl out as a BAD EXAMPLE to be avoided. We didn't get a sort of "I wouldn't have picked on Michael if I didn't think he had potential" moment with Miss Blais; all we got is her crying at her desk because she was too wispy to deal with a bunch of bog-standard over-excited first graders.

The reason that I mention is that while Liz's belief that since one teacher was out to get her, they all were tends to screw up her game, there's another factor that makes her life worse than it should otherwise be: her timid nature and poor understanding of how people behave. Just as Mike is a gender-swapped version of his theatrically paranoid idiot mother, Lizzie is a distaff version of her clueless doorknob Daddy and his hapless inability to understand how people's minds work and what social norms are. This results in her being on the outside looking in most of the time because she wants to make sure things are Safe so much that she shut herself off from all but one friend growing up.

What this means in the here-and-now is that we're dealing with someone who's still thinking in terms of teddy-bear touch the ground when crap like custody hearings and alimony payments enter the conversation because growing up is scary and admitting that she can't cower behind Elly forever is going to break her brain.
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
As you know, we're about two months away from what appears to me to be Elly channeling Clark Griswold by launching in to a big, stupid and ill-considered attempt at bonding with her husband's extended family and enriching her children's lives by, you guessed it, visiting Exile Farm in the middle of December like a big, deluded idiot from the city who doesn't get what that might entail.

I'd originally thought that she was doing so to cool down a relationship that Mike is quite frankly too young for but we all know that it takes a year and a half from now for Elly to learn that Martha exists and that Mike's been in an on-and-off thing with her all that time. What's happening is pretty much her trying to make things better by being with family and maybe showing Mike and Lizzie the real meaning of Christmas: being harangued about being spoiled and lazy by arrogant and clannish hayseeds.

We start things off with this being discussed behind Michael's back because he might object to any plan to make him Suddenly Wonderful by exposing him to the beauty of an ice-cold winter in beautiful Middle Of God-Damned Nowhere, Manitoba because central heating and pipes that aren't frozen solid are a luxury that's making him bad and cruel and mother-hating. So, it would seem, is not especially liking old people who want to doze away the day so KEEP IT QUIET, being reminded that a Grunt-Burg used to be a cow, being packed in like sardines and, yes, being lectured to be smug fist-magnet farm-folk about how foolish he is for being materialistic and rebellious and the like.

What caps things off is that when someone points out the defects in Elly's logic and how the results are that Mike feels miserable (and was forced to stand out in the cold to Think About Being A Bad Guest by his graceless, thin-skinned moron hosts because he finally told that snippy, yapping annoyance Laura where she can shove the attitude she needs to lose yesterday), she gets all angry about how wonderful her ill-thought out plan is. The only thing that would have saved this is if Lynn had followed through on her plan to pack Danny and the gang down to Milboring so that nitwit Laura can get cut down to size.
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
A recent discussion of the monthly letters served as a reminder that Lynn liked to hint at plots she was planning on developing. Ordinarily, we'd have John go "CHEE!!! I hope this plot developing I'm telegraphing shamelessly takes place some day!" like it's his job to drop spoilers but this was not always the case. Other characters were assigned that task. While I'd like to talk about how Lynn was on the fence about making Martha into Deanna's pathetic, Connie-esque sidekick as a means of punishing her for "mistreating" Michael and "disrespecting" an Elly I don't recall her ever speaking to, it's April who had the job of pointing to an arc that would have been as ill-conceived, poorly executed, ludicrous and quite frankly dangerous by having her state that she and some other girls needed help not eating that much.

What this would have meant is we'd have Doctor Elly barge in and deliver the same sort of ill-informed gibberish about how a stroke is an inflammation of the brain and April would be obliged to accept the pernicious nonsense as gospel. While it would have been so at war with what we know about medicine, it would be a boon to we snarker-troll garbage people who don't care about refugees in war zones with world diseases because we're clearly too busy writing letters about how the nonsense that's being peddled is going to get someone dead, Lynn would be too busy defending herself from medical professionals and responsible advocates for the cause to notice the likes of us.
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As you have probably no doubt noticed, Elly goes out of her way to avoid acknowledging a truth about herself: she's always been in love with feeling like crap and as if the world is conspiring to destroy her and laugh at her for wanting to experience a happiness she just isn't designed to feel. We know that the instinctive human need to identify and respond to threats is within her amplified to a comic and sinister extreme but she does not. Said innate dread of being overwhelmed is, as one could expect, made part of the conspiracy because she is aware of happiness and people who feel it but thinks that someone has stolen from her an ability to feel calm and content that has never existed in the first place.

The reason that I mention this is that Michael is pretty much what she'd be like if she were a man. Right now, this tendency to assume that the world wants to destroy him and laugh at him for thinking that he too deserves to be happy manifests itself as going into his relationship with Martha by assuming that she was always arguing under bad faith. It's not that he's an insecure dolt who doesn't understand what's going on around him, she's playing games with him to trick and humiliate him. Talking to her friends is part of a trick she's playing on him and has to stop. Having friends who plead his case is part of a game she's playing to fool and embarrass him and has to stop. Getting angry because he ogles other girls in his presence is a game she's playing. Expecting him to remember her name is just another gambit. Everything she does that isn't letting him make all the rules and acting as if she's a real person instead of someTHING that comes along to make him feel good is, as one could expect, part of a game because the alternative is admitting that he pissed away a good thing expecting to get a knife in his back because he's the same sort of stupid paranoid idiot his mother is. It's like getting Lizardbreath to admit that she's as blind to social norms as her dickweed dad.
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The irritating thing about the Martha saga is that it's just another means of keeping on point message-wise because we get hammered over the head that Michael would have had a better time if he let Elly live his life for him but instead paid the price for rejecting all the love in her great big heart. This need to moan about the horror that is children making their own mistakes is reinforced by what's coming after the great big mess about how children 'choose' to grow and grow and grow so they can keep their poor mothers from buying nice things for themselves.

Said looming menace is the end result of Elly telling Lizzie that if she doesn't like what Mommy puts in her lunch, she's big enough to make it herself. This, as one could expect given the strip's premise, results in Lizzie declaring that Elly was too lazy to make a proper lunch because children are spoiled and ungrateful monsters who need to apologize for choosing to be born and ruining Mommy's life. (Not, of course, that Mommies should accept anything like an apology as that means the evil thing called forgiveness.) We thus have a tidy, domesticated version of doublethink in that children are at the same time not to be trusted to AND required to decide things for themselves so to make of Elly a sort of universal martyr.
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
The interesting thing about Martha is not that Michael totally blew it. The interesting thing is that much as Liz would do for Paul Wright and Susan Dokis, Mike seems to have guided two people to their destiny: Gordon Mayes and Tracey Wells. What we're about to see in a year or so is that Mister Hormone Attack used to have a doomed crush on a girl I'll call Alison Hey! PHRASING!!! owing to her name being a rather broad pun that Lynn smirkingly denies making. For years, he pined away for this person and for years, she hung out with the popular kids instead of the homely shnook with the ball cap. This would have persisted for years until Mike suggested that he go out on a date date with Tracey Wells.

Gordon initially balked at this because she was literally The Girl Next Door that he'd known for years. If I recall correctly, he made a snarky comment about the old cliché about falling in love with this person and spending the rest of their lives together only to turn around and become the very thing he thought was so damned improbable. Despite his rather rough beginning, our lad appears to be the person Elly was actually talking about when she played up the unspectacular kid who'd grow up to be a world-beater. Despite what Anthony might tell John to make himself feel as if he matters, Gordon is pretty much the aspirational figure people tell their kids to be like. He has a loving wife, he makes a beautiful dollar, he's got swell kids and he's enough of a class act that he's never going to tell Mike what a fool he made of himself with Martha.
dreadedcandiru2: (Indignant Candiru)
As one could expect, Lynn appears to have based the irritating way Michael is going to spend the next few years treating Martha on some incident from her childhood that she cannot and will not get over. I distinctly remember pointing out years ago that she had this big, sloppy crush on some boy she was sure felt the same way about her that she did about him only to be gutted when he found her love letters to be comic fodder when he was supposed to fall madly in love with her. Since she's not designed to ever let things go, her in-built need to stand around bellowing "Behold!! I HAVE BEEN WRONGED AND DEMAND VENGEANCE AND SYMPATHY!!!" translates itself into Mike moaning because Martha is forced to share her notes with her friends when someone presumptuous and unaware of social norms demands privacy.

The problem is that given that Martha is behaving like a human being is supposed to in this situation and is doing nothing wrong that most of us can see, she has once again made an antagonist unintentionally sympathetic while making the alleged injured party out to be a whiny little puke who loves being irrationally angry and self-righteous more than he loves this girl. He sees himself as the victim. Since I'm a garbage snarker-troll person who doesn't care about refugees dying of world diseases in war zones, I see a world-class jerk looking for any excuse he can invent to be upset with this poor thing. Eventually, his need to feel like he's been mistreated corrodes any good will he might have felt towards her and he comes to the conclusion that he made her up.
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
Of course, before we can get to the whole thing wherein Elly spends years on end running around screaming about a girl she never speaks to or gets to know because doing so would be a humiliation that would destroy her credibility forever and always, we have to wrap up the template to mindless panic about a non-threat by saying an on-screen goodbye to Dirk Dagger.

This, of course, is because when Lynn decided to hector Aaron about who he should and should not like, she'd realized that it didn't make much sense for Connie to stand around fretting about how she'd be blamed for the ugly grandchildren that Molly and Dirk would have when it was far more sensible to have Elly stand around body-shaming a girl she despised because Mike didn't want his ultra-uncool and super-embarrassing cluck of a mother breathing down his damned neck when he was with his little sweetie.

This means that we make a lateral move from Connie being a catastrophically inept step-parent who'd let Molly date Ted Bundy because he was so charming and handsome to Elly not admitting that she blames Martha for a decision Mike made for a reason that she doesn't want to admit to. It's not that she's a meddlesome nag that can't keep her fat trap shut when something is harmless or that she has her head up her arse when she should be paying attention, it's that some girl with dangerous body language has somehow bewitched Michael. Getting to know the person behind the threat would, as I said, mean having to admit to committing an injustice for a stupid reason so never happened.
dreadedcandiru2: (Calm Candiru)
I think that this week is rather critical in understanding why it is that Elly spends the next four years running around in circles screaming about the Evil Girl with the Dangerous Body Language who's MOVING TOO FAST FOR MICHAEL. This is because something comes along and convinces her that she has no choice but to panic, fret, dredge up old memories and do her damnedest to cool something she regards as a threat down: John tells her that she's making the big deal over nothing that she actually is.

This, as you can readily realize, doomed any chance that Elly might actually see Martha as anything but a threat for a very simple reason: the wronger she is, the more Elly needs to prove that she's right about things. Just as she can't back down from an irrational ultimatum because she wants to save face more than she wants to be fair to her family, she cannot and will not admit that she might be misreading a situation. If John had pretended to agree that Martha was a threat, things might have blown over on their own because she also wants to think that he's being too hard on Michael. Since he made light of a situation that was never going to turn into the disaster she foresaw because he knew that his boy would end up blowing it, Elly simply had to join Connie in fretting about a scary person that neither of them actually bothered getting to know.
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
As we all know, what really ended up killing the little fantasy relationship Mike had with Martha is that she kept on insisting that she was a person in her own right instead of someTHING to lust over or stick in the front passenger seat of Elly's station wagon to make him look cooler when cruising. Having a family, emotional needs and free will really got in the way of his being a horny jerk so were bad things but you can't get the prick to admit to that. He blathers about destiny and the need for his kids to exist as if Life were written in stone because he can't admit that if he hadn't been a butthead about everything, he'd be defending the right of the kids he and Martha had to exist as if they were the only possibility. Also, he tends to gloss over forgetting that she existed half the time and taking her for granted like a heel and being a snotty little prick who fell like a sucker for all the shit-talk people who don't know her made about her.

This is because he doesn't realize something important: his mother feared and hated Martha for a really stupid and horrible series of reasons and more or less sent her to Exile Farm in the hopes that he'd remember that he was still her little boy and to stay away from terrible little tramps who dress to impress instead of conceal like she didn't when she was a plastic flower child. Not that she admits to ever having interfered with a relationship that scared and angered her because she was her usual incurious self dealing with a terrible-by-nature surprise. When she isn't retroactively calling it puppy love that wasn't worth worrying about, she's probably telling herself that she sort of liked a girl she never cared to speak to because she knew what the little tramp would say for herself because she can't admit that she's the bitch here.
dreadedcandiru2: (Royally Peeved Candiru)
As we know, next week's misadventure in which Mike acts like a huge, swinging dick because Colin the paperboy laughed about the notes Lindy Ridgway wrote him.........I mean, Martha told her friends all that marching she and Mike by the lake shore and that somehow excluded and diminished him because he's a moron is the first instance in which an on-going threat to their relationship that isn't his being a vain twit first appeared. Said threat is, of course, Elly making a big, stupid, hysterical fucking deal over nothing because it's easier for her to panic and declare an inoffensive little girl an enemy than to be sane and decent. To me personally, the most telling example of this is we never see something that seems obligatory almost: Martha doing a formal meet-and-greet with John and Elly.

This interests me because while Mike would later go on to wail that it's cruel and unfair that he have to sit down and watch the hockey game with Wilf Sobinski because he's an ARTIST so what could he have in common with a guy who works in a hardware story, it was impressed upon Mike that if he's serious about someone, he has to meet her folks. He met with the McRaes, the Blums and the Sobinskis and it went as well as could be expected. What never happened is that Elly never seemed to want to extend to Martha the same courtesy she grudgingly extended to Rhetta and enthusiastically to Deanna for a stupid reason: Martha is a reminder that her default state is "head shoved up her fat arse." Since Elly couldn't be asked to pay attention to her children, someone who surprised her by, you know, EXISTING is the devil coming to ruin her family.

The reason that I mention this is that since Lizardbreath is sort of stupid and hasn't met a social norm she couldn't totally misunderstand in the most destructive means possible, this means that she has the idea that meeting someone's parents is something terrible to be avoided....especially if she can fly in a helicopter! WHEEEE!!!!!!!
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
As we know, Michael acts like something out of the horrible romance novels and idiotic soaps that Lynn rotted her damned brain with in that he's a shitty, controlling boyfriend who feels threatened by the fact that Martha has friends and interests that aren't him. He pisses and moans and bullies and harasses Martha into giving up her friendship with Janice and Megan because he's a boring psycho who thinks that he's gotta be the bride at every funeral and the corpse at every wedding. What we lose sight of when watching him make a domineering, selfish asshole of himself is that not only does he have distinct trouble with the concept that she's a person in her own right, he has no idea who the fuck she is while his friends have known of her for years.

Since he's a shit-stupid Patterson with a severe case of "Head Up His Own Asshole", he's too damned busy worrying about the possibility of his being teased to realize what it means that Lawrence and Gordon ask him howcome he didn't tell them that Martha went to their school. If he thought about it at all, he'd probably think that she must have moved into town just to be near him because the dismal creep thinks along those lines. What he still to this day can't get through his thick fucking skull is that they were really asking "Hey, Mike!!! Howcome you didn't tell us that 'Camp Girlfriend Martha' is Martha McRae who lives on Duke Street North?! Tracey hangs out with her all the time!" because he's always going to be the dumbass who is confused and angered by the fact that an inert object he threw something at tricked him and turned into Brad Luggsworth. Knowing that they know of her older brother Stan is not something he can know because as a Pattersaint, he's kind of stupid that way.
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
I should think it's pretty safe to assume that to most of you, the phrase "creepy stalker" is something of a tautology. Even if the stalker means no harm, the fact that he or she doesn't seem to quite understand that he or she is violating his or her target's personal space isn't romantic as much as it an unsettling reminder that this person simply doesn't understand any sort of social norm. It's hard to trust or like someone who might not be aware that s/he comes across less as a love interest and more as a threat to one's person. When one remembers that the reason that Liz rejected Anthony and Howard Erk in turn because they were not model handsome, it would seem that perhaps Lynn does not quite understand this social norm herself.

We get something of proof of this when Michael shadows Martha and Rhetta in turn for days on end because he cannot work up the nerve to do what he thinks of as his rightful role and 'dominating' the relationship. Lynn would have us see him as a shy boy who's afraid of getting hurt. The reality is that his romantic life is hampered by the same mental infirmity that has him at odds with Elly: he's too blasted stupid and passive to think of what to do on his own but thinks that any woman who tells him what to do is out of line because he's supposed to be calling the shots 'cause he's got a penis.

This would be bad enough in and of itself had it not become the template for all relationships that we see. Eric, Warren, Paul and Anthony all stalked Liz and I'm pretty sure that if we were to take a look at the past, Elly would look back at her past and see a familiar gangly shape in the background of all manner of photos from before she was aware of John's existence.
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
As we know, we're about to launch into the Mike And Martha Show in grim earnest soon enough. This is so that he can make a huge mistake and get his bowels in an uproar because his paranoia and stupidity make him see something that isn't there: someone who only pretended to like him so she could humiliate him in front of the frienemies he doesn't want to admit that he should never trust. While he learns exactly the wrong lesson from this, it behooves us to understand the root source of all of his and, by extension, all the other Pattersons' romantic problems.

We are pointed to this when we're made to see why it is that he thought that he was being humiliated in the first place: the fact that Martha thought that their involvement should actually be public knowledge instead of somehow hoarded to himself as if he's King Of Big Deal Freaking Mountain or something. Simply put, he was too in love with the fantasy of the two of them walking on the shores of Lake Kawkawa to really be able to deal with the actual person in real life. Since she insisted on dragging him out of his fantasy capsule, she was clearly trying to mess with his head and play games with him because the alternative is that he's a boneheaded little creep who made a big deal over nothing for a pants-on-head stupid reason. Heh. He should've sued her for definition of character!!!
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
As I've said before once or twice, I think that a lot of Liz's struggle with grades was due to the fact that it took the Pattersons until she was nine or so to finally realize that she couldn't actually see very well. Well, not so much "notice" as it was "have it pointed out to them by an actually competent teacher actually looking out for Lizzie's best interest" but, well, we can't expect the Pattersons to notice stuff like that. Elly was too busy feeling sorry for herself, John's head was up his ass and Mike was too cool to lower himself to see what was going on around him.

The reason that I mention this is that I cannot remember a flashback with Marian that did not have her wearing corrective lenses. Why this is important is that most of the reason Elly hates what she sees in the mirror is that she sees her mother staring back at her every damned time. She hates the idea of becoming her mother because she's always going to be the cement-headed clodhopper who doesn't admit that she gets the belief that if she were to praise her children just once, they'd get complacent and sit down in a pile of their own filth and die because Mommy loves them FROM her mother. Admitting that she's got the same near-sightedness is not something she likes to do because she doesn't want to be ooooooooold. 
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
 From what little she's shared about her past that doesn't manage to contradict itself, it seems fairly obvious that back when she Lindy Ridgway, high schoo student, Lynn seems to have been something of a self-willed outcast seemingly content to hover at the periphery of the social scene because her one attempt at romance collapsed due to the absurdity of her flinging herself head-long at an older boy who simply wasn't in to her. Eventually, this leaks into the strip itself when Elly talks about how she wishes that she'd built up an immunity to the painful emotion of love after she told Connie about how she fell hard for this older boy, did a lot of stupid stuff to try to make herself more appealing and reacted like a bratty child when it became obvious that she'd transitioned from 'clingy annoyance' to 'bad joke'. 

The reason that I mention this is that Mrs Hormone Attack is giving us a play-by-play of this when she shows us Mike's abortive romance with Martha. As we'll see, he starts off feeling super-insecure when his fantasy appears to have the possibilty of coming reality only to make an ugly, stupid fool of himself blaming her for making him feel weird when it's possible that he might be exposed to public knowledge of his crush and thus public derision. He spends the next few years acting like she's the only person who does anything wrong despite it being obvious that he totally blew it and ends up feeling humiliated and bitter when she wants to pursue less damaging and selfish options. Eventually, he says that he made her up because he'd rather not face up to being a moron. This not only foreshadows all of Liz's clusterfuck romances, it probably accurately depicts Lindy's social life in the early sixties. 
dreadedcandiru2: (Disgusted Candiru)
 Now to continue on, let's remind ourselves of why that asshole Mike probably still thinks that dumping his stupid ass is why Martha is miserable. As we're about to see, the Delicate Genius To Be spent most of the autumn of 1988 caterwauling about how Martha had to choose between having a social life that might not include him sometimes and being a great gal and protecting a mincing little piece of shite from being exposed to the possibility of being teased. If I were a gambling man, putting down money on his still thinking that SHE was the one playing head games would be the safest bet I could make because he doesn't see himself as he is: a massive, flapping anus issuing forth one big, stupid and intimidating ultimatum after another. His smug whinnying about how she'd brought her misery on herself is thus akin to that poor man's Maynard G Krebs he calls "Uncle Phil" wishing Excedrin Headache Infinity on Connie because she expressed doubts about his cleansing agent. 

The reason that I mention this is that even after Mira and Wilf go to that big Crappy Tire in the sky, Deanna will still lash herself to the boring psycho out of a combination of the sunk cost fallacy and sheer God-damned inertia. Mike thinks that he's got himself a great deal because she doesn't do anything bad or silly or wrong like challenge his being a ginormous weeping dick to their daughter because of his stupid need to avenge himself on Martha and Rhetta for having emotional needs that can't be addressed by someone who can't see other people as being people. Anyone sane would see someone who's smilingly and smugly traded away her dignity and self-respect for a mess of pottage like Therese's Mommy. Unlike those lucky enough to escape the accretion disk of Mike's ego, she will end her days congratulating herself on spiting her mother by marrying out of her species. 
dreadedcandiru2: (Default)
 Before I get to getting into specifics about how I think that while Robin is pretty much allowed to do whatever he likes to because of a father who won't acknowledge his own misogyny and a mother probably in love with his knavishness, Meredith is warming up in the bullpen to become the next Elly because her asswipe parents are sitting on her for what they self-servingly regard as her own good, let's remind ourselves why Elly thought that Martha was bad news. As history teaches us, Elly's own dance card was left rather empty because:
  1. She never met a social norm she could wrap her head around so was just as blind to someone she knew who was crazy about her as Liz was to Anthony. Since she doesn't seem to have had any friends, no one was there to guide her destiny to its proper, Trash-Bag Johnny avoiding course.
  2. She instead chose to witlessly fling herself at a succession of older boys she stood no chance at all with.
  3. She was probably the Lizardbreath of her day and stomped down the hallways with a scowl as her umbrella wondering why people didn't care for the gloomy, irritable pain in the neck she WAS SO NOT!
  4. Aside from a brief plastic flower child phase engaged in so as to best mess with Marian's head, Elly's preferred style of dress was "stereotypical sexless spinster librarian" and she made the least of her looks.
  5. She managed to blame her flaws on pretty, popular girls who must have wanted her to die alone, unloved and forgotten despite what one of them said about how if she would smile more and stop acting as if the Sun was going out, she might actually have something of a chance and yes, Joey Simmonite WOULD swim through toxic waste for her.
Since she would rather have gulped down Joey Simmonite's toxic waste than admit that most of her romantic woes had a cause named Elly Richards, she took out her frustrations on a target of convenience with freckles and strawberry blond hair.

The reason that I mention this is that most of why Michael failed hideously as a boyfriend is that anyone with eyes to see knows that he came out of the gate looking for an excuse to moan that Martha didn't really love him at all and just pretended to so she could make a big fool of him. Rather than admit that he's still witlessly defaming her and still not realizing that his obsession with the idea that he should be this big, pathetic bag of nothing no one SHOULD love, it's quite clear that he's taking things out on Meredith because he thinks that whatever she's doing to some asshole even more cornball, pathetic and presumptuously entitled than Assthony or Gerund, she's doing the assbucket wrong. 


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