The reason that I mention this is that while it might look as if Liz devolved into Lizardbreath as soon as she started playing "I only want Anthony when I can't have him" with the other people in her social circle but I'm here to say that it happens now. This is because she's sick of hearing about the baby non-stop, she's sick of having to stare down the barrel of being press-ganged into servitude because Elly won't admit that the only thing she was ever good at was being a stay-at-home mother (not that she's any good, mind you, she's just least bad at that) but cannot wait until the brat arrives so she can make it pay for ruining her life.
The reason that I mention this is that while it might look as if Liz devolved into Lizardbreath as soon as she started playing "I only want Anthony when I can't have him" with the other people in her social circle but I'm here to say that it happens now. This is because she's sick of hearing about the baby non-stop, she's sick of having to stare down the barrel of being press-ganged into servitude because Elly won't admit that the only thing she was ever good at was being a stay-at-home mother (not that she's any good, mind you, she's just least bad at that) but cannot wait until the brat arrives so she can make it pay for ruining her life.
On spectacles and Martian princesses
Dec. 6th, 2018 07:21 pmThe reason that I mention this is that Lynn's agreeing not to make Mike look stoopid in glasses by having Liz wear them was sort of a teaser for the girl she'd be for the rest of the strip: a needy, insecure and slightly immature little thing who behaved as if the world were conspiring to make her life awful and have her die alone, forgotten and exploited by people who don't know that there can be only one friend at a time. This leads to Liz making the same stupid mistake Mike did when she came along: being pissed off at April for asking to be born so she could steal Liz's teenage years. This is stupid because the person doing so isn't the kid: it's the moron parent who thinks that of course, siblings are put on this Earth to watch their younger ones and they should know that and stop acting like it's a big burden.
The real problem with problem hair
Sep. 5th, 2018 07:28 amThe example that comes readiest to mind is an unintended consequence of Elly packing another child off to Exile Farm to be lectured about being spoiled and also to be abstinence cop. What had happened is that instead of being a 'good' friend and putting her life on hold until Lizardbreath got back, Dawn had started hanging around with other girls and, as one could expect, the dozy dollop just could not deal because she never really ever outgrew the idea that people should just drop everything to fawn over her. Here was Dawn living her life and there was Liz sitting on her island whining to herself that people who actually get off of their asses and do things with their lives have things happen to them.
This leads us to the real reason why a Patterson never actually says what he or she is really thinking to someone. It's better for Liz to make incoherent chatter about not looking average than it is to say "I went away and my friend Dawn made another friend and that makes me feel bad because the only friend she should have is ME and holy shit.....people are right to call me an entitled little snot." because some things are so stupid that their stupidity is obvious to the stupid people who think them.
The non-apology of Liz Patterson.
Sep. 3rd, 2018 12:21 pmThis, I think, made Mrs Grunion's vague advice about not succumbing to peer pressure dangerous because of how it was phrased. Since Liz doesn't understand that her bus driver made the mistake of thinking "This is a harmless kid made to do something foolish she wouldn't ordinarily do because she got wound up by less harmless kids," she went on being the not at all harmless kid she actually is. Being allowed to do what she feels like doing means that she can go right on helping herself to things and expecting people to come running when she wants something and when the rights of others are pointed out, she squeals piteously about unfairness, jealousy and aggression.
The bozo-beak perplex
Jan. 16th, 2018 09:28 amThe first such thread is that Liz feels as if she's just this big nobody who's lost in the crowd and no one wants to notice her because she's too homely to be loved. If she could look better, she'd be loved and cared for and she wouldn't die alone and forgotten because she's always on some level going to be a freaked-out twelve year old girl who thinks that every day is always Doomsday.
The second thread is that her parents aren't very much help at all. She's caught between the Scylla of Elly's active hypocrisy and the Charybdis of John taking her bad mood as a personal affront so is left rudderless because Mommy talks about smiling and not worrying about her looks but never smiles and frets about her appearance and all Daddy says is to think about the refugees in war zones dying of world diseases before she talks about something useless like problem hair or that fucking pile of junk the moronic dildo shoved in her mouth because he thought a coping mechanism was a plot to ruin him.
Finally, we have Mike delighting in making things worse because the spastic little gremlin is always going to have it in his stupid bloody head that she should feel bad for being born and destroying his life. He can't resist the overweening temptation to subvert any attempt to make her feel good because she doesn't deserve happiness because he has to act like he's an adult to be treated like one and kids on television fight like scorpions anyway.
The only real change is the addition of a new reason for to feel useless and unloved and unnecessary: April. I'll remind you why she's a rant-inducing slight waiting to happen next time.
Goodbye, Lizzie and hello, Liz.
Dec. 27th, 2017 07:22 pmIn short, when the little girl with the twintails starts ranting irrationally about her nose is ugly and stoooooopid and she hates it because it drives people away from her and no, it's not fair to say that she's always been stand-offish and no, she isn't scowling angrily at everyone all the time and all of those pictures that show her doing so are lying, it's not Lizzie saying those things. Lizzie says twee garbage about recess being the scariest subject. Lizardbreath has finally hoved into view, gang.
Protesting Lizardbreaths….
May. 17th, 2017 02:55 pmSince it’s about eleven years or so since Liz screamed WAIT!!!!!! at a computer because her ‘friend’ Anthony needed a ‘friend’ in his hour of self-inflicted need (as well as being eleven years since she got all defensive about having any sort of role in the break-up of his marriage), it behooves us to remind ourselves that not only does she not want to admit that even if she herself didn’t intend to do anything to mess up Therese’s life, her intentions have the same weight as anyone’s when the shit hits the fan. The phrase I like to use when I want to describe how much her not wanting to be seen as a homewrecker actually means is “sweet dick all” because a person is what she does, not what she wants to do.
It means even less when you consider a second fact she’d prefer not to face: part of her wanted to see Therese die in a cancer fire for ‘stealing’ a friend from her. She doesn’t want to admit to being a jealous pinhead who thinks that the only friend someone has should be her because that makes her a bad person but the thing exists no matter what she tells herself. This means that she doesn’t want to admit that it delights her that this woman crashed and burned because she dared to make her feel bad about being a graceless nitwit who thought that social norms that got in her way should be abolished. She mouths pious gibberish about her being a casualty of horrible parenting but the honest fact is that we’re dealing with an immature twerp who doesn’t want to admit that she has negative impulses.
The problem is that, despite her earnest belief that it should not happen, people do keep track of what's supposed to happen and want to invent explanations that aren't "Lynn forgot." For instance, we could say that Elly was so traumatized and insulted by the minor shenanigans Mike and his pals inflicted on her that she was firmer about rejecting Lizzie's pleas to let her friends over for a night. The problem with that is that we know that April eventually gets to get yelled at for the horrible crime of depriving her parents of too much sleep. What this means in terms of the character is that John and Elly notice something that Liz doesn't want to face: she's a standoffish, possessive, clingy and sullen little twerp who thinks that she's the only friend her friends are allowed to have and thus doesn't have the same family of friends Mike and the Martian do thereby rendering a sleepover into having Dawn Enjo over for the night.
Dial A for Anxiety
Jan. 27th, 2017 10:40 amThe interesting thing about the flare-ups of this anxiety is that they're always accompanied by two annoying things. The first annoying thing is hypocrisy about how she doesn't need to be so hung up on her physical appearance by the oblivious twerp mother she's busy mutating into. The second annoying thing is that we get a reminder of something Liz is too blistering stupid to notice or admit to: the fact that she's a moody, scowling jerk who refuses to let people on her damned island because they don't feed an ego so monstrous, it makes Michael look like the personification of self-effacing abnegation.
The Great Big Problem is that while Gordon, Tracey, Elly, John, Connie, April and Jim know that Mike and Dee really got married in December, Liz does not. As far she she knows, their anniversary is in September and celebrates their freedom from the irrational rages of Mike's horrible mother in law. The reason why they didn't tell her relates to her angry reaction to Mike pretty much nailing it as to why she wanted to intrude on Anthony's first marriage. Just as she didn't like being told that she wanted to barge in like a vindictive idiot and call attention to herself and humiliate the evil French person who gave a clingy irritatant who thinks that the world owes her a living because she's cute her right name, she will feel all kinds of betrayed because no one saw fit to tell a chatty, easily offended annoyance a secret she simply couldn't have kept.
As you will recall, Liz hates Mike because he saw a truth she didn't want to face. What this tells me that Liz will hate the person who tells her the truth about herself for life and beyond. How dare this horrible person come along and tell her that she would certainly have been so enraged that something underhanded was going on that she would cause an argument that would take years to fix. How dare this person come along and say that no one trusted her to shut her mouth and how dare this horrible child who keeps her from being the baby bring up all the times when she shot off her fat yap. Rather than admit that she's a loose cannon who doesn't understand the delicacy of a self-imposed calamity, she's going to spend years trying to get April to admit that a loose-lipped idiot who can't shut her face can be trusted with secrets. This despite the fact that it's very likely that one of the first things she did when April graduated was to run her mouth about the time Gerald tried to get to second base while she was supposed to be babysitting.
Death, Elly and fixing Liz
Sep. 3rd, 2015 01:24 amThis will probably not go as well as he'd hope at first because of Liz's instinctive need to cling to a surrogate of Elly's ankle in order to protect herself from a looming shape of idiot malice. It will probably take years of her suspecting his lunk-headed, regular-dumb-guy-from-the-sticks attempt to try to make up for being a dickhole before she admits that she gave as good as she got as soon as she could outrun the dumb bastard. It'll take longer before she admits that they were fighting for the same worthless prize.
What this means is that in the long run, Elly will finally get children who don't blow up into a big ball of violence over every little thing. She just has to die so that the need to be loved the best won't spark off the mindless mangling. Chee! Elly's transition from entity to object does seem to solve a lot. As I'll show you tomorrow, it'll even make John a faithful husband who appreciated what she did and how much she sacrificed.
The first thing that we notice about the Lizzie who attends Grade School is that she's as much an outcast as Michael is but for a different reason. Instead of being a wise-ass who is too blasted stupid to realize that all his being eager to do any fool thing just makes the cool kids feel even more contempt for him than they already had, Lizzie's natural timidity, possessive nature and sheltered upbringing mean that she's pretty much on the outside looking in when it comes to the social order.
The problem is that she shares an unhappy tendency with Elly: the tendency to blame her outward appearance for the fact that her life isn't as happy as it should be. We know for a fact that Lizzie used to be able to trade on her looks to get what she wanted and when people stopped scurrying around like mice and no one was told to let her win because she's a cutie, Lizzie simply can't hack it. Rather than accept the fact that despite being appealing in a sort of wan, clunky way that she can't bat her eyelashes or whine her way to success, she thinks that if she were pretty again, life would go back to normal.
Not, of course, that she admits to herself that that's what she's doing. The Liz who looked as if she might break free of home set herself on the teal-and-lavendar trajectory of repeating the mistake Elly made when she blew her stack because someone Franco-Ontarian accused her of consciously doing so.
Connie: Superior. Elizabeth: Inferior.
Jul. 16th, 2014 01:47 amThe last strip I linked to, sadly, tells us the real problem that kept her from excelling at the level she should have: parents who are too stupid and useless to take her to an eye doctor to get her corrective lenses until it became too damned obvious that she's near-sighted. If she'd have not passively sat on her rump squinting away because it was too scary to tell Mommy how fuzzy everything looked for all those years and if her jerk parents hadn't waited until she was nine to ask "Why does Lizzie hold books so close to her face?", she might have actually got somewhere scholastically.
War of the Impostors.
May. 13th, 2014 01:10 amWhat makes her innate and almost genetically hard-wired feeling of inadequacy worse is that she's lousy at picking up on social cues. Not only did a long-undiagnosed visual impairment mean that she never learned to read facial reactions at all well, Elly's need to sentimentalize a really hoorible time in a human being's life and fear of being bereft of purpose led her to get locked out of pretty much every loop. Add in how Elly isn't really good at giving advice and you can see why Liz really never twigged to what was going on around her. She doesn't know how to read body language and she sucks at looking at the big picture because her mother is letting her own issues get in the way of being a mother. She thus turned to a 'convenient' source of good advice: network television. The problem is that the goggle box is just as bad a parent as Elly and just as likely to fill impressionable minds with mush-headed ideas.
This isn't just why Candice and Dawn had to sit her down and explain that Anthony didn't just happen to show up places where she was because he announced his intention in a way not thought of in the philosophy of Zack Morris. It isn't just why she didn't see that Eric was a player until it was too late. It isn't just also why she didn't admit that the people of Mtigwaki weren't lovers of adultery because they didn't want to get involved in a domestic because they ain't stupid. It's pretty much all the reason why she still sees Thérèse as a soap opera monster who spends her days clubbing seals and plotting the ruin of plain Janes because that's just what people who make Liz feel inadequate DO.
The real reason for this need to see Thérèse as a soap opera monster plotting her ruin is because that made more sense than her rival being....well....her!!! As Anthony's Liography clearly indicates, what Liz will always see as an irrational monster who hates her for no other reason that being a bad person is pretty much a Franco-Ontarian Lizardbreath trying her damnedest to prove herself to her own bloated vermin parents owing to coming a distant second place to a son who was never born at all. Her major malfunction is that she sees a passive little thing like Liz as being a manipulative man-eater who wants HER to die alone and unloved and to laugh at HER misery because she looks like someone who's got everyone fooled into thinking she's harmless because that's how cruel people who want people to die alone operate. Right now, as we speak, the poor woman is telling her boyfriend about the blonde monster with the rich dentist daddy who has a whole town wrapped around her finger just like on TV! Why, she even managed to turn Thérèse's own child against her, she's that devious and selfish!!
Thus does the trick box amplify the horror caused by the narcissism of minor differences. Liz and Thérèse would have found it hard to get along in the first place because they reminded each other of what they most hate about themselves. A medium that proves the worst just made a bad situation far worse.
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The odd thing about this all is that while Liz does allow herself to let their judgment have more sway than is proper, there are questions that she simply could not allow herself to face when she and Anthony guessed that they were engaged.
The first question that she doesn't want to know the answer to is "Do Mom and Dad have any faith in my ability to decide for myself what's best for me?" It seems to me that rather than spend overly much time dealing with the very real possibility that her parents think that she's too stupid to be allowed to guide her own destiny and will always get it wrong because of her lack of a Y chromosome, she pushes the worry down to fester inside somewhere.
The next question is "Do I actually know what love is or am I just kidding myself because I need to justify my stupid decisions?" This one practically answers itself because she was brought up by stupid people to not respond to obvious social cues and needs to have some way of shielding herself from the realization that she's a colossal screw-up. This protects her from the realization that she might have guided her own destiny by doing and saying the wrong thing.
This leads to a far more troubling question: "Did I misjudge Anthony's ex-wife merely because she makes me feel uncomfortable?" The reason that's a question she doesn't want to ask herself is that it leads to the horrifying realization that she really doesn't know anything about her own motivations and thus cannot be so quick to assign character traits to others.
The biggest question she doesn't want to deal with is "Do my parents actually have my best interests at heart or are they just guiding my destiny for their own selfish purposes?" The reason that she doesn't want to know the answer is that it's obvious as anything that the latter alternative is correct. When I make my asinine comments about how John and Elly want to marry Mayes Motors, what I mean is that John clearly intended to use Liz as a club to beat Gordon over the head with should the man try to make any sort of decisions that would either frighten or inconvenience a moronic, soft, weak and entitled boomer imbecile who thinks the world owes him a living because he doesn't get his way all the damned time. John and Elly have never really loved their kids because they're incapable of the emotion; what they love is the power they have. Liz can't face that so she shuts down emotionally most of the time.
This is not the case in Liz's case. Liz impresses me as being a very simplistic thinker who doesn't really understand what's going on around her. As I said before, I always assume that should Liz actually find out what really happened thirteen years ago, she's not going to see that Deanna had mixed motives. She's not going to care that Deanna felt like a puppet or that she wanted to spare her mother's feelings. She's going to care that she herself was lied to and treated like someone who couldn't be trusted. Does it matter that they had to keep her quiet so that she wouldn't blab? Does it matter that April is better at keeping secrets? No. What's going to matter is that they made a fool out of her because they don't trust her.
I think I'll be spending my March Break looking for a different place to live. I'm looking forward to the time off, but I'd like to be out of the house and on my own again. Since Mike, Dee and the kids moved in, this place hasn't been the quiet refuge I'm used to. I love my niece and nephew, but kids all day at school and kids bouncing about at night have made me less than pleasant. In fact, I'm downright grouchy!
attests, Lizardbreath shares her father's need to have a cozy little alcove somewhere where she can reign supreme and not be disturbed by small children, pets, picky-faced siblings or parents who don't see that she's a grown woman. The sad thing is that she stupidly allowed herself to be talked into renting out the sort of basement apartment that was never really going to be April's Sweet Suite anyway so she ended up repeating the pattern of being the slobby daughter to old people. As for now, she's had about, ohhhh.....five years of bouncing children underfoot to sour her mood so so much for that. My guess is that she's currently making the same sort of 'Did we ever thank you?' comment that Elly made to Marian and getting a different answer. Marian might have been a bit of a stickler but I don't think that she was trolling for compliments like Elly is.