Foobonia and Points West.

As we know, Lynn has this odd complex about weddings that mostly relates to her hating something she knows that her mother found important. To her, weddings seem to be filled with pointless rituals designed to drive her crazy and magically focus everyone's attention away from the person actually getting married which is wrong and bad and selfish and cruel because it's her party so she should say what goes. The end result in the real world is that snarkertrolls come along, shake their heads and wonder what kind of nutjob not only hated the idea of her mother getting her time in the Sun but also thought that her participation in weddings was strictly optional.

The first and purest manifestation of this anti-maternal stance would also cause someone to be the subject of a whispering campaign amongst those not corrupted by the need to genuflect to the Sainted Pattersons. While very few people know about the wedding for heart and most people think that the wedding for show was the only one, what they are allowed to know tends to gall them. First off, we have to contend with the fact that it looked as if Deanna had no problem playing house beforehand simply to torment her mother. People are still going to be talking about that fifteen years after the fact. They're also going to be talking about how she cowered behind her mother-in-law and her family in an effort to shut her mother up. That, you see, is bad form and people aren't going to think too highly of a petulant idiot who seems to have seen the whole deal as a big party where she and this Patterson guy got presents while her mother was supposed to smile and smile and say that yes, she shouldn't have wanted attention and should have been content to let everyone take a creamy dump all over her hopes and dreams for the good and happiness of other people. While Mira's people have no real opinion about this dimwit writer Deanna married, they do look at her and see an ungrateful twit who's got her back up because she was told what to do and when to do it. 

As you know, any sort of honest biography of Deanna would probably point out something Deedoormat is at pains to ignore. Said unwelcome thought that she doesn't want to cross her mind is that Mira and Elly vary in degree and not in kind. Elly wants to do much the same things as Mira does and is only stopped by an absence of what the British call 'moral fibre' and what I call force of will. We have the same general need to think of her children as still reliant on her guidance, the same prickly refusal to listen to the terrible, character-building phrase "Oh, shut up, Mom!" and the same general disdain for the idea that she's being a pain in the ass.

What this means is that instead of thinking that heroic Elly suffering from the depredations of pushy ethnic monster Mira, most people assume that the only reason Elly and Mira aren't friends is that Mira doesn't give Elly what she wants (total domination of the conversation) when she wants it but instead subjects Elly to being pushed around for a change. While the more reflective will point out that neither woman is quite capable of realizing this and will learn nothing from it, it is nice to see Elly getting a steaming-hot plate of karma in her lap. The odd thing that will be commented on is the fact that even if they weren't in-laws, the two of them are too similar to co-exist for very long. At some point, heads are going to butt.

Like all of us, the Patterson family look at a person and wonder if his or her character traits are something he or she is born with or something that's the product of life experiences. Unlike most of us, it's pretty much a given that when they look at their own children, John and Elly fall all over themselves to take credit for the good in their kids while saying that the bad is in the kids' blood despite that being at war with a little thing I call objective reality.

As by way of example, it's obvious to everyone who isn't a Patterson or Patterson-like life form that for all intents and purposes, April was a neglected orphan being raised by her grandfather. For very self-serving and ridiculous reasons, her parents seemed to do very little in the way of actually bringing her up or imparting values or anything like that. Someone cruel and heartless who didn't understand how horribly Elly and John had to struggle because they had to wait more than five seconds for a goal to be accomplished and also had to do that themselves might confuse them with dimwitted, negligent and short-tempered baby-sitters with an attitude problem whose baleful and useless interference only served to make the work of her primary caregiver harder.

This, I should think, is why they're at pains to sell April on the idea that Becky is bad news while Eva is great. You see, not only is Becky from a broken home and thus to be avoided because of some dread that marital disharmony might be contagious, she has terrible information to impart. Just as Gordon used to be bad for Mike because he used to regard Elly as being a short-tempered idiot who overreacted witlessly to harmless phenomena such as dressing up like Bowie for Halloween, Becky tells April that parents are capable of using their children as weapons in some sort of emotional war. Worse still, she says something VERY dangerous about how physical and emotional distance have very little to do with one another. If April were to be exposed to that sort of darkness, she might start to thinking that it doesn't just look as if her parents don't actually care for her much and are mostly out for themselves.

How much better for April to have Eva slam her down when she questions if her parents actually like her. Most of us can see that she's making the same stupid mistake Weed does when he assumes that since his super-busy but loving parents do not teleport to his side when he feels low, they do not care for him. Since she's the "Where is X when you need him/her" kind, she's there to sell the Martian on the idea that since her emotionally absent and distant parents are hovering over her congratulating themselves that they're finished being her mom and dad, they do care for someone they don't know that they regard as an inconvenient poor relation.

As we all know, we know next to nothing about Georgia's family. We have a vague idea that they're from Montreal, we know that she's got an uncle Bert, we know that she's got an unnamed friend who finds Lizzie to be something of a trial but other than that, she seems to have fallen out of the sky for the sole purpose of being a stand-in for a sister-in-law Lynn seems to not know very well. It occurs to me that the wedding explains why it is that her family doesn't make much of an effort to get to know the Patterson family.

This is because they have to deal with the bizarre fact that for some stupid reason, Phil's idiot brother in law seemed to be more worried about taking a load of garbage to a dump than the wedding. Not only that, the stupid fool dropped his watch in a dumpster and waded in trash to fish it out because that seemed to be more important than a silly little thing like being on time for something important to anyone else. I can see them being appalled that this fool is so impractical and so closed-off in his thinking that he couldn't wait until after the reception to take stuff to the dump. This is not a person to get to know. This is a person to whom the only correct response to is "smile politely, move away slowly and don't make eye contact." Simply put, we never get to know these people because idiot John witlessly scared them away being 'practical'.

Of course, the most telling thing about the Pattersons is not that they seem to love the weedy little goof managing a car dealership because he somehow 'saved' and 'redeemed' the middle daughter because she went to third base with some hockey player in University and somehow had to pay for that 'transgression' by being subjected to the 'horror' of a man who didn't feel as if he had to drop everything for her to prove his love. What's really telling about them is who they deign to hate and scorn.

First off, it's somewhat ridiculous that the loutish imbeciles cluck their stupid tongues and wail like idiots about how some lucky one-hit wonder threw fun and friendship in the trash to follow some sort of evil, distracting star that deprived life of the real joy of what looks to most people like "standing around like an idiot catering to the whim of some dough-head named Patterson." People have memories and common sense and tend to remember inconvenient facts like how the Patterson girl is the one who turned her back on friendship because she's jealous of Rebecca-with-a-H because the blonde girl makes her feel insecure.

They also remember that most of the reason that the Pattersons hate the waster son's mother-in-law is not just because she tells the pinhead churning out abuse porn for Lifetime what he can do with his smug attitude and tendency to treat Deanna like his servant. What seems to be the real problem is that Elly resents having someone else barging on in and barking orders when that's her job. The idea that she's not loved best enrages and outrages her even if she didn't really do anything to earn it.

Most telling of all is their irrational hatred of Anthony's ill-used ex-wife. They see a cold-hearted, treacherous monster who's jealous of an intrusive idiot who won't go away for no reason. The people of Milborough see someone who, while probably not especially sympathetic, is to be pitied because she ran afoul of a group of clods who resent her for not admitting that her part in life is to not only disappear from Anthony's life because a Patterson is available for all his being a churlish dick to his spouse needs but apologize for being an obstacle to the imperial will of a Pattersaint.

The most grating phenomenon of having to deal with the screaming idiot the dentist married is not her weird friendship with the scrawny bitch with the gay son. It is not that she's gushing about motherhood finally working out now that her children admit that they can't function without her. It isn't even that she doesn't realize what a ridiculous freak she looks like when she displays the lack of self-awareness that drove a wedge between her and the daughter that managed to escape. The most annoying aspect of her life is that she seems to not notice that she's treating people around her like vending machines because she and her idiot husband think that they did these people an awesome favour by existing.

As by way of example, most people look at the earnest striver at the auto dealership the Pattersons have decreed to be their beneficiary and realize that he'd have made money hand over fist if Train Man and his wife never met him. Mayes of Mayes Motors clearly has what it takes and he didn't get it by being Touched By A Patterson. The problem is that the Pattersons themselves don't realize this. It's like how they don't realize or want to admit that another of their 'beneficiaries' would have been better off if he'd been allowed to establish himself in adult society before being outed. Mike totally screwed up Lawrence's life because he's a vain halfwit but still the Patterswine see him as a valued friend who can do nice things for them instead of some poor sap that got screwed by these horrible people.

Of course, it's not just the Pattersons that would look very different as background characters in someone else's strip. It's not just that Elly looks like a screeching hindrance, John like a malicious man-child, Mike like oafish white trash with attitude, Liz like the Mad Woman of the Pattermanse and April like an ill-used scapegoat. Their hangers-on would also look rather different to someone not encouraged to sympathize with them.

As by way of example, Connie would be something of a sordid and discreditable joke to most people and it wouldn't just be that she was a pathetic sidekick to that crazy bitch the dentist married. The very old people would remember how she used to pack her biracial kid off somewhere while she chased after one leisure-suit clad no-hoper after another and drink coffee with her fellow inept parent and trade sob stories about how bad the children they couldn't raise were. If that wasn't bad enough, she just hauled off and left town like a punk because the two leading candidates to be Mister Connie found less desperate and clingy women to be with.

While some one them clucked "Too bad about that kid, right?" while saying their good riddances to her, most of them shrugged and thought that Milborough would go right on without her. Imagine their surprise when she moved back so as to return to drinking coffee with the screaming idiot with the big stupid dog and stupid kids. Imagine their disgust when she started yowling for all to hear about being TRAPPED with WILD ANIMALS because the teenagers she yanked from their lives to drink coffee with Elly Patterson resented that. Imagine their glee when they left town to get away from the hysterical nincompoop too stupid to realize her jackass husband threw her under the bus. Imagine their loathing when she boasted about what a great gal she was for tolerating her horrible deviant son who took away her last chance to impress a carcass of a stupid old man moldering away in a pine box. Imagine now, watching her trade sob stories with her idiot friend about how children are put on this Earth to disappoint stupid people. Finally, imagine their reaction when they find out that most people assume that John is Elly's lady-beard.

Of course, this odd thing those people at the split-level did in treating their suburban rancher like some sort of castle to be handed down to the eldest son isn't the only thing that makes the locals wonder what century the Pattersons think they're living in. It's probably highly likely that their need to arrange matters so that their middle child married someone they'd vetted so as to solidify their relationship to a car dealership they have some sort of interest in reads less like the triumph of true love over adversity and more like some sort of business deal marriage out of a Brontë novel.

What's more troubling is that the middle daughter seems to think that she's come out ahead of the game owing to her having some vintage beliefs. The older people remember her as someone who could be counted on to dress younger than she actually was. This odd need the blank-faced, frowning baffled child had to trying to look cute and helpless despite her tendency to be as destructive as her scruffy brother probably seemed to have a lot to do with her daddy issues.

It also didn't escape their attention that the man chosen for her to save her from the scary outside world looked and acted like her father. While the Pattersons see Anthony's similarity to John as being a good thing, most people start mumbling about incest and act accordingly.

Of course, it isn't just Elly who's a familiar stranger to the people of Milborough. John himself has an image that he is not aware of. Said image is preserved for eternity on the cover of the collection "Pushing 40." As you will recall, we have to witness the dreadful and silly spectacle of Elly and the children exhausting themselves as they push John up the hill as he sits in the toy car clearly made for Michael. While they wheeze, he's got a big wide grin because he's about to make a ridiculous and sordid spectacle of himself playing with a child's toy because he allegedly needs excitement in his life. Worrying about the people inconvenienced by his 'harmless' actions is a terrible thing because it means that no one wants him to have fun and to always cry about people who should simply get over themselves because no one except him is the right age to be sensitive.

That, friends, is John's image to most of the random passers-by and Milborough mutants: a juvenile clown who spends his time playing with toys. While some realize that his being an overgrown kid transfixed by self-absorption and cruelty might be why the woman yells, others might assume that she ate away at his dignity and caused him to revert. Either way, it's agreed that the shouting idiot who spends her time with the scrawny weirdo who kicked her gay son out of the house because she thought that people cared bellowing about how impractical his ambitions are and the grinning freak dressed like an idiot deserve one another.

(That being said, he has a second image to anyone young, female and presentable: the slobbering perv who mentally undresses you in front of the shrew wife who thinks you WANT to be ogled by some ape who can't control his throbbing urges.)

Either way, their being horrible people explains a horrible thing: why and how their children grew up to be horrible people in their own horrible right.

Every so often, we have reminders that Lynn spent most of her free time either huddled over her drawing board or sitting in a room trying to enter her creative trance. One of these reminders is that unlike in real life, the strip is not peopled with the sort of person Mencken was referring to when he discussed various reasons for staying alive; the reason that sticks in my mind is curiosity as to what the woman in the blue dress is getting up to. This, of course, invokes that commonplace known as the familiar stranger.

This is a person you don't actually know much about but see almost all the time. Since Elly is known to wear blue dresses, let's us her as an example of what I'm talking about. To most of the people in town, she's not so much a person as she is a sort of prop or set-piece that they'd miss if she were not there. They have no real idea who she is, where she came from and what she wants out of life but they do know that she has certain habits. She jogs and rewards herself with a coffee and doughnut. She has a large dog that she has trouble handling. She's got adult children that took a lot of time moving out and for some reason, they were reluctant to move any farther than thirty minutes away from her. She used to work at the library and at a book store but now, she's volunteering with her husband who used to be a dentist. She tends to yell a lot in public but doesn't notice that people are staring at her when she does it and they'll never really know why.

This is because she's not part of their daily lives and her eventual disappearance isn't going to shake their worlds but when she goes, a familiar chunk of the landscape will go away and that's going to be a bit of a downer. They'll wonder who she was and why she never seemed to get any farther in life than obsessively sweeping a back porch and hope that they themselves aren't being thought of as 'that old lady who never seemed to smile much'.